six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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