I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
