Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
it wasn't lemon gatorade
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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