Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
