he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Every concussion has its silver lining
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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