I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
