bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
