The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
