just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
