you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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