Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
