I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
