Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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