the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
