What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
