I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
