I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
