matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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