Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
