New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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