Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
