3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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