I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
