You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
