The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i've created a new STD.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
