I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
