My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
