He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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