the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
