Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
