Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
