Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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