I cannot find my penis.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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