I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
