so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
