This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
