sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
