We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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