Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
