i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
