The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
