Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
