Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
