On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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