I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
