woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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