I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
