I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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