I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There's even glitter on my cock...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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