I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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