last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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