my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
