my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize