You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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