: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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