We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
